6 Great Ways to Have a Better Conversation by Celeste Headlee
The art of holding a good conversation can be daunting. Speaking as an all-time introvert, conversing hasn’t always been my forte (even to this day, frankly), and I’m guessing it may not be yours either.
Whenever you enter a conversation, have you always murmured things like: “My God, what should I talk about?” or “Better say something before this turns awkward.”? Well, you’re not alone.
I used to be like that, but thanks to countless out-of-the-comfort-zone scenarios with my colleagues, strangers, and fellow friends, I became more social than I ever was. While there are a LOT of ways to have better convos, this top 6 list sums it up nicely:
1. Don’t multitask
We’re not capable of “multitasking,” that’s what computers do for us. Humans can only do rapid-focusing between two or more tasks, and most of the time, it isn’t as effective as paying full attention to the one thing you’re doing.
Imagine you’re on a date, and you’re talking about how much you love the carbonara in the Italian resto you chose, but your date’s switching back and forth between their phone and your moment of pasta promotional brilliance.
You might feel disrespected, annoyed, or neglected, perhaps? If you checked all the boxes there, that sums up most people’s reactions. This is why being present is a simple yet crucial part of having a good conversation.
Not only do you get to learn a thing or two you didn’t know about pasta, but you also get to make whoever you’re talking with feel appreciated.
It’s the little things that build up potentially long-lasting relationships in your love life, career, peer groups, and education that can go a long way if you keep this up. I mean, you’ll never know, right?
2. Don’t pontificate
Ponti- what now? It essentially means getting in the way of the conversation by lecturing someone in a sense. Always enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn (which will be the case, most of the time, at least). Take the word of the man, Bill Nye, himself:
“Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don’t.”
Though it may be tempting to jump in a particular segment of whatever they may be talking about, pump the brakes, and hear what they have to say about it to the end.
I know my ego and opinions are just waiting to burst fire to counter what they say, but I learned to control myself and save my thoughts until they’ve fully expressed what they were trying to say or explain. It’s a great way to respect them and practice true listening.
You’ll have more to gain than you otherwise would have if you steal the spotlight to present your counter-argument, whether it be a different angle on how you view topic X or learn about this new thing called Y.
3. Use open-ended questions
Asking things like: “What did you do today?”, “Where did you go?”, “Did you meet anyone interesting?”, “How did you both know each other?” can get them talking about what they want to talk about. If they have a story to tell, let them tell it at their own time and pace. Don’t interrupt.
The trick is to avoid questions that you know will get short responses and go for ones you know they will rave about. Compare this:
“How are you?” vs. “What have you been up to lately?”
There’s a pretty good chance the second question will have a longer reply than the first. If you don’t know where to start, always go back to the 5W1H rule:
- Who — Who is involved?
- What — What event took place?
- Where — Where did it occur?
- When — When did it happen?
- Why — Why did it happen?
- How — How did it occur?
To become great, you have to be good first, and to be good, you need practice (loads of them). If you have hiccups along the way, that’s completely okay. Read that again.
Besides, everyone has to start somewhere, right?
4. Go with the flow
One thing I’ve learned from talking with people is to avoid overthinking (I am guilty as charged).
“Did I say that right?” “Should I pronounce this at a higher or lower pitch?” or “Is it gonna be weird if I say X?” are often questions that used to pop in my mind. And guess what happens to the convo? It becomes even more awkward :D
Instead, say whatever comes to mind and just let go of the urge to curate a perfect narrative. Let your thoughts, ideas, and stories flow and go with it! Because my God did it make conversations ten times better than it would otherwise be.
5. If you don’t know, say you don’t know
No one likes a know-it-all. If someone talks about creatine, and you’ve never heard of the word until that day, then be honest and ask if they could explain it to you.
There is nothing more that can ever turn people off from a conversation than someone who thinks they’re a walking encyclopedia.
You’d be wise if you could step your ego aside and say: “I haven’t heard of that before, mind if you explain a little?” instead.
We can only take up so much information, and often we filter what we feed our minds with our interests or things that are currently relevant to us, and the same goes with others. That’s the beauty of conversations.
When you’re into weightlifting while the person you’re talking to is into calisthenics, you learn a new way to train your muscles and build strength and endurance, and the same goes for that person. Think of it as a trade of information, and information is knowledge, and knowledge is power.
6. LISTEN
Active listening is an art. It means taking notes (in your mind, of course), pausing occasionally, and asking questions in order.
It’s all too easy to think we’re listening when we’re preparing what we’re going to say next or worrying about how we look or whether we’ll get rejected or embarrassed.
A mistake that most people often make is that we listen to reply, not to understand. Don’t be like most people.
But if you listen intently, you’ll come across as a much better conversationalist because it shows you care and respect what the other person is saying.
Plus, you’ll gain a lot more when you choose to listen to understand, may it be a new insight, perspective, a soothing jazz playlist, or just about anything that complements your neuron network.
Have better conversations
Having better conversations is a skill for everyone, not just salespeople or people in conversation-related jobs. Remember, every conversation is a two-way street.
Don’t go into the conversation with the sole goal of “taking” information or answers from your audience. Instead, open up and listen to what they have to say.
Believe it or not, you’ll probably be surprised by what you’ll learn, and you may find yourself in a long-lasting conversation with the people with whom you interact. And who knows, you might just have found yourself a lifelong lover or a dependable business partner.
